Gunnar Heinsohn is a man who believes the Indus civilization, the Achaemenid Empire, the Babylonian Empire, and the Assyrian Empire were all the same thing. All by argument from artificial silence. Needless to say, everything original Heisohn has said in regards to ancient and prehistoric history is pure horseshit, so easily refutable as to require only a brief glance at my “Chronology” page and a little common sense to understand why it is so. Some of these arguments are based on outright lies (“ Nobody understands how this brilliant people, which blossomed between the time of Ninos (-750) and Alexander the Great (-330), which became the teacher of nations but left no deity, text, brick or even potsherd.“, “Mainstream scholars are in the process of deleting Ancient Israel from history books. The entire period from Abraham the Patriarch in the -21st century (fundamentalist date) to the flowering of the Divided Kingdom in the -9th century (fundamentalist date) is found missing in the archaeological record. The period from the -9th to the -6th century (fundamentalist dates) is bewildering, for a different reason. The corresponding strata are found immediately below Hellenism of -300. Moreover, there are no windblown layers between Hellenistic strata of -300 and Israel/Judah strata of 700/-600, and the material culture (architecture, artifacts, ceramics etc. ) between -600 and -300 is clearly continuous. From an unbiased stratigraphical point of view, therefore, what now is fundamentalistically dated -900 to -600 requires a hard evidence chronology of -600 to -300. Yet, if the strata now dated – 900 to -600 in biblical years are changed to -600 to -300 in evidence based years, Israel’s entire biblical history from -2100 to -600 is lost. Statements like “historical Israel remained as elusive as ever”, therefore, dominate the most ‘advanced’ level of Bible research (T. L. Thompson, Early History of the Israelite People, Leiden, 1992, p. 27).“), but all on such utter face-palming, unfathomable idiocy that it destroys almost totally the need for the satirist and the comedian (curiously enough, Heinsohn is ingenious when it comes to modern-day demographics). Since such idiocy would only be predicted in their works, but it is clear, indeed, certain, that all ideas which could ever be held by the mind of man have or will be so.

Thus, I shall propose the next set of ideas which will be held by someone, probably within the next century, and probably by one who is either a Gene Ray-style crank (poor reading comprehension, good physical observation skills), someone like Velikovsky (good reading comprehension, awful physical observation skills), or, as in Heisohn’s case, someone who sets arbitrary standards and fulfills them with equally arbitrary conclusions.

Firstly, the world wars shall be combined, since having two massive-scale European wars only thirty years apart is simply implausible. The Soviet Union and China may be imagined as one (both Communist, both too large for their own good) with a different ethnic composition. Lincoln and Kennedy are, by any reasonable standard, alter-egos for each other, and Andrew Johnson would be a crude caricature of Lyndon, with all Andrew Johnson’s achievements being ascribed to Andrew Jackson, with James Polk being declared a general under his presidency. Thomas Jefferson’s presidency would be eliminated from history, he clearly being a noble, and Madison being Secretary of State throughout his career, the War of 1812 being assigned to John Adams, Quincy’s term being the same as Buchanan’s coming right before Lincoln/Kennedy’s. George Washington would be considered a symbol of American Democracy during its founding period, loosely based on a general of the same name. As for the late 20th century presidents; they could easily be linked to the equally unimpressive late 19th century presidents, Nixon being correlated with Grant, Ford with Rutherford, Carter with Arthur, Cleveland with Regan, Harrison with the elder Bush, and Clinton being McKinley combined with shades of Cleveland by Republican scribes. Roosevelt and Bush W. would become clear alter-egos for the same man, and Obama might be correlated with Taft.

Hell, I’m even beginning to think I’m right about somebody accepting this idea as fact!