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As the ancients most clearly, obviously, and manifestly needed no alien technology to help them build their pyramids (tombs in China and Egypt, worship structures in Babylonia and Mesoamerica), lift their megaliths, saw their granite, or sand their stones, it is a great mystery why Ancient Aliens still continues to be a series on History (cable channel). It will, therefore, certainly (and I do mean that, just as I predict with 99.9999999999999999997% certainty that someone will adopt my Shortened United States Chronology or something similar) come to pass that in less than a thousand years, television (or whatever medium they’ll use then) episodes of the following (or similar) names will be shown to millions of viewers. The series which they will be part of will almost certainly have episodes with content similar to that which I have typed below and in future posts. I freely admit the title “Secrets of the Ancient Americans” was taken from a cartoon of the same title. Italics are my actual comments.  Regular text is fictional narration.

Blockquotes are quotations from fictional ‘experts’.

Stay tuned for Season 352, Episode 7: The Imperial Russians-Guided by Aliens.

Season 352, Episode 6: Secrets of the Ancient Americans

2000 AD. The Americans were considered to be the most free, most economically advanced, and the most militarily powerful nation on Earth. In 1800 AD, a mere 200 years before the height of America’s power, America’s South was almost entirely unindustrialized, even though it held over three quarters of a million slaves. The South’s holding of a large number of slaves led to economic maladjustments similar to those which occur during the imposition of state Communism, only these maladjustments were of a different variety and manifested themselves in different ways. Its North had a population of under three and a half million. By 1972 AD, America was the third-most populated country in the world, with a population of over 205 million, and the first-richest.

What caused this rapid expansion? One thing is certain. This expansion was attributed by thousands of American politicians to one being-a single powerful, interventionist, watchful god. Indeed, in 1782 AD, the designer of the Great Seal of the United States stated, regarding its reverse, containing a pyramid, almost certainly built with the help of aliens, with an eye within a triangle floating above its top, (eerie music here) “The pyramid signifies Strength and Duration: The Eye over it & the Motto allude to the many signal interpositions (sudden noise here) of providence in favour of the American cause.”

What were these “interpositions”? America had just recently won its independence from the largest empire on the face of the Earth. Could the ancient Americans alone have done such a thing?

The total population of all the rebelling American colonies combined on the eve of the War of Independence was under a quarter of that of Great Britain. The rebellious colonies had as much chance of surviving a British onslaught as the Native Mexicans had of surviving a Spanish one.

-Asshole 1.

-The second part of Asshole 1’s statement is incorrect.

The problem with the theory that the Americans gained their independence on their own is that the rebellious colonies were simply not suited to resist foreign rule. They had no navy. Their ‘continental army’ could not compete with the army of the United Kingdom. There is, in short, no way the Americans gained independence entirely on their own.

-Asshole A

Asshole A’s statement is actually true, except for the third sentence.

So completely ignoring the French, we are left with the explanation the Americans themselves accepted. American independence was saved by an intervention of a single god. What was this “god”? His existence was accepted by no less a man than President George Washington himself, and he was worshiped by almost all of the United States population in little shrines called “churches”. Washington referred to him as a protector, as giving favors, and as making sure the Americans had obligations to him.

There is really only one explanation for America’s victory in its War of Independence-an extraterrestrial being that could control terrestrial forces. This being certainly made an impact upon America in the years following the War of Independence. How else could a tornado have struck Washington, DC the day after its destruction by British forces in 1814? This has undertones of Joshua and the Canaanites at Beth-Horon, for goodness’s sakes!

-Asshole 1

More and more pieces begin to fall into place in the puzzle of America’s growth when one considers the Americans may have been aided by an extraterrestrial force. For example, the Erie Canal, constructed when alcohol consumption per capita was at its peak in the United States, was almost certainly an endeavor funded and planned by extraterrestrials. How could a bunch of inexperienced drunks dig, plan, and fund the canal that eventually made New York City the richest city in the world?

To expect a people so unsuited to strong government as the Americans of the early 19th century to dig a canal through the middle of New York State at the rate of seventy kilometers per year is unthinkable. We couldn’t dig anything like the Erie Canal today! How could the Americans of the 19th century AD have done so without extraterrestrial help?
-Asshole א

The Erie Canal was not the only development in nineteenth-century America that could be linked with extraterrestrials.

In 1886 AD, a drink called Coca-Cola began to be sold by the Americans. Its formula was kept secret. Sixty years after the product began to be sold, over a billion gallons of its syrup had been produced. How could what started out as a small company develop a product with a brand which, over a hundred years after its formation, was the most expensive brand in the world?

I’m not saying it was aliens, but suggesting it wasn’t leads one to concoct one explanation on top of another to keep a wholly terrestrial hypothesis for Coca-Cola’s development and popularity consistent with itself.
-Asshole א

It is by no coincidence that the Americans placed their trust in God on their coins and claimed America was “One Nation, under God” in their Pledge of Allegiance. The phrase “under God” was added to the Pledge in 1954, to distinguish American worship of God from the godlessness of the Soviet Union. 37 years later, the Soviet Union fell apart. Coincidence? I think not.

-Asshole 1

Was this God an extraterrestrial? The  Pledge of Allegiance implies so. Only 15 years after the phrase “under God” was added to the Pledge of Allegiance, the Ancient Americans reached the moon. Fast-paced music, picture of Neil Armstrong on moon here.

Are you seriously going to tell me that people who thought a megabyte of computing power was something extraordinary reached the moon on their own? I don’t think so.

-Asshole ا

Forty-two years after the Americans reached the moon, the Pentagon, the former headquarters of the U.S. Department of Peace Seriously, “Defense”?, was attacked, and the World Trade Center was destroyed. These were known as the 9/11 attacks. Could not these attacks, conventionally attributed to small-scale terrorists operating in the most isolated corners of Afghanistan, have been sent by extraterrestrials? One of the witnesses to the attack on the Pentagon described the cause of the damage, conventionally considered to be American Airlines Flight 77, as a “cruise missile with wings Do you seriously think History doesn’t dishonestly quote-mine now?. Could this cruise missile have been sent by the extra-terrestrial “God” the Americans so often spoke of?

Really, once you think of it, the conventional explanation of 9/11 just doesn’t add up. I just can’t comprehend how a bunch of sand niggers managed to successfully pull this off, especially in the face of the most powerful government on Earth. You had to have good planning to accomplish this. It makes sense extraterrestrials would do this to send a message the United States government. It doesn’t make sense the United States government would try to pull this off-too much political risk would be involved.

-Asshole ܐ

I really am quite confident that at least half of the proponents of the Ancient Astronaut hypothesis are racists.

What could have been the motives of the extraterrestrials behind the 9/11 attacks? Perhaps, the Americans had failed to keep some of their obligations to the God they so often spoke of, George Bush, the President of the United States during the 9/11 attacks, being chosen President by the Supreme Court on a technicality? Or, perhaps, could this God have removed his hand of protection from the United States due to the absence of a Soviet threat?

Though the Ancient Americans did not begin to build a new World Trade Center skyscraper until five years after the 9/11 attacks, conventional historians claim that the Americans had the power to move enormous monoliths. Half a kilometer East of the La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles, Mexico, lies a 500-ton granitic rock. Yes, this exaggeration has many parallels in the real life “Ancient Aliens” series. It is perched upon a channel dug into the rock, located just North of what archaeologists claim is an art museum. Conventional historians claim it was an art project.

What kind of art project requires moving a 500-ton rock over six hundred kilometers to the middle of a city? There is no evidence the Ancient Americans had the ability to move such monoliths. Ancient America was a democracy, not a monarchy, so any skeptical appeals to the inefficiencies of government don’t work here.
-Asshole 1

Indeed, the name given to this so-called “art project” by the locals is “the Levitated Mass“.

Perhaps, we should actually believe the locals who say this mass of granite was levitated!

-Asshole ا

The region the Levitated Mass is located in is called by the locals “Miracle Mile”. Perhaps it was over this mile that an alien spaceship brought this mass of granite to the place where it now rests. Perhaps, it was part of an electricity generation system to the North of a museum displaying the works of extraterrestrial life.

So, have we demonstrated that the Ancient Americans were influenced by advanced extraterrestrial life?

We all know the Ancient Americans were too stupid, too selfish, too uncivilized, and too stubborn to develop the power that was the United States of America on their own. I’m confident that, over the course of several years, the modern Americans will begin to realize this. But, there will remain skeptics. Only an actual visitation of advanced extraterrestrial life will convince them. But they will be convinced.
-Asshole 1

I really had a taste of what bullshitting feels like writing this piece.