Why There Is No Chance Ancient Assonauts Have Visited Earth

1. Interstellar travel is physically impossible with any technology known by humans to work.  ‘Nuff said.

2. Life has been around on this planet for over two billion years. Humans have been around for over fifty thousand years. Civilization has been around for under fifteen thousand years. Humans have been using the telegraph for under two centuries. Humans have been in space for less than a century. Humans have found absolutely no reason to send people to outside the solar system in all recorded history. This has to be remembered by any idiot who uses the Drake equation as evidence for Ancient Assonaut visitation.

3. Even if interstellar travel was possible, there is little probability Ancient Assonauts would end up on this planet rather than some other.

4. The likely motives of potential Ancient Assonauts and the likely results of any Ancient Assonaut visitation are totally inconsistent with this planet’s actual history.

5. There is no archaeological evidence for Ancient Assonauts visiting this planet.

Horrors in Education

Recently, I caught wind of news that “[s]tudents in [a] [Texas] district spen[t] two days watching what lesson plans describe a[s] “the historic documentary Ancient Aliens,” which presents “a new interpretation of angelic beings described as extraterrestrials.”. By coincidence, I also happened to stumble upon this gem from Madalyn Murray O’Hair as imagined by William Murray:

One time, his mother [O’Hair] read through his junior high history book and made this comment: “I can’t believe all the hogwash in there. It treats the parting of the Red Sea just like it really happened. It’s incredible! Later on it talks about Jesus and says he was the son of God, that he performed miracles and rose from the dead. [Expletive] stuff I ever read. It has no place in a public school textbook!”

-Amen! This reminded me of a certain textbook (actually used in government schools in America!) I remember looking at around early-mid 2010. Take a look at its section on The Ancient Hebrews and the Origins of Judaism. Compare it with the first part of my ‘Non-Biblical History‘. Weep a little. Look at the hopelessly unsatisfactory second section on Judaism. Sigh. Notice the nonsensical Persian Gulf coastline on page 114. Sigh deeper. Notice the absence of any attempt to connect the development of the Jewish religion with actual Jewish history (except on page 116). The description of the physical geography of Canaan (yes, Canaan, not the more conventional “Palestine”) is somewhat satisfactory, but utterly lacking in any analysis of how Canaan’s geography impacted its people’s history. It also utterly fails to mention the olive and the grape and their fundamental roles in the lives of the people of the central hill country of Canaan. I recall an anecdote of a student in a class using this textbook in which the student claimed his teacher had marked him down on a test or quiz for failing to mention the navigability of the Jordan (which, in fact, is almost non-existent). In short, the state of education about the history of Judaism (and Palestine in general) in America is dismal, at best.

In other old news, I also recall I once notified Pearson for confusing Assyrians and Sea Peoples on page 65 of this book, the image of the “Soldiers of Shalmaneser III in Battle” being captioned “Soldiers of Ramses III in Battle” and visa versa.

‘Ancient Aliens’-What Evidence Will It Use In 2500? Part 1

As the ancients most clearly, obviously, and manifestly needed no alien technology to help them build their pyramids (tombs in China and Egypt, worship structures in Babylonia and Mesoamerica), lift their megaliths, saw their granite, or sand their stones, it is a great mystery why Ancient Aliens still continues to be a series on History (cable channel). It will, therefore, certainly (and I do mean that, just as I predict with 99.9999999999999999997% certainty that someone will adopt my Shortened United States Chronology or something similar) come to pass that in less than a thousand years, television (or whatever medium they’ll use then) episodes of the following (or similar) names will be shown to millions of viewers. The series which they will be part of will almost certainly have episodes with content similar to that which I have typed below and in future posts. I freely admit the title “Secrets of the Ancient Americans” was taken from a cartoon of the same title. Italics are my actual comments.  Regular text is fictional narration.

Blockquotes are quotations from fictional ‘experts’.

Stay tuned for Season 352, Episode 7: The Imperial Russians-Guided by Aliens.

Season 352, Episode 6: Secrets of the Ancient Americans

2000 AD. The Americans were considered to be the most free, most economically advanced, and the most militarily powerful nation on Earth. In 1800 AD, a mere 200 years before the height of America’s power, America’s South was almost entirely unindustrialized, even though it held over three quarters of a million slaves. The South’s holding of a large number of slaves led to economic maladjustments similar to those which occur during the imposition of state Communism, only these maladjustments were of a different variety and manifested themselves in different ways. Its North had a population of under three and a half million. By 1972 AD, America was the third-most populated country in the world, with a population of over 205 million, and the first-richest.

What caused this rapid expansion? One thing is certain. This expansion was attributed by thousands of American politicians to one being-a single powerful, interventionist, watchful god. Indeed, in 1782 AD, the designer of the Great Seal of the United States stated, regarding its reverse, containing a pyramid, almost certainly built with the help of aliens, with an eye within a triangle floating above its top, (eerie music here) “The pyramid signifies Strength and Duration: The Eye over it & the Motto allude to the many signal interpositions (sudden noise here) of providence in favour of the American cause.”

What were these “interpositions”? America had just recently won its independence from the largest empire on the face of the Earth. Could the ancient Americans alone have done such a thing?

The total population of all the rebelling American colonies combined on the eve of the War of Independence was under a quarter of that of Great Britain. The rebellious colonies had as much chance of surviving a British onslaught as the Native Mexicans had of surviving a Spanish one.

-Asshole 1.

-The second part of Asshole 1’s statement is incorrect.

The problem with the theory that the Americans gained their independence on their own is that the rebellious colonies were simply not suited to resist foreign rule. They had no navy. Their ‘continental army’ could not compete with the army of the United Kingdom. There is, in short, no way the Americans gained independence entirely on their own.

-Asshole A

Asshole A’s statement is actually true, except for the third sentence.

So completely ignoring the French, we are left with the explanation the Americans themselves accepted. American independence was saved by an intervention of a single god. What was this “god”? His existence was accepted by no less a man than President George Washington himself, and he was worshiped by almost all of the United States population in little shrines called “churches”. Washington referred to him as a protector, as giving favors, and as making sure the Americans had obligations to him.

There is really only one explanation for America’s victory in its War of Independence-an extraterrestrial being that could control terrestrial forces. This being certainly made an impact upon America in the years following the War of Independence. How else could a tornado have struck Washington, DC the day after its destruction by British forces in 1814? This has undertones of Joshua and the Canaanites at Beth-Horon, for goodness’s sakes!

-Asshole 1

More and more pieces begin to fall into place in the puzzle of America’s growth when one considers the Americans may have been aided by an extraterrestrial force. For example, the Erie Canal, constructed when alcohol consumption per capita was at its peak in the United States, was almost certainly an endeavor funded and planned by extraterrestrials. How could a bunch of inexperienced drunks dig, plan, and fund the canal that eventually made New York City the richest city in the world?

To expect a people so unsuited to strong government as the Americans of the early 19th century to dig a canal through the middle of New York State at the rate of seventy kilometers per year is unthinkable. We couldn’t dig anything like the Erie Canal today! How could the Americans of the 19th century AD have done so without extraterrestrial help?
-Asshole א

The Erie Canal was not the only development in nineteenth-century America that could be linked with extraterrestrials.

In 1886 AD, a drink called Coca-Cola began to be sold by the Americans. Its formula was kept secret. Sixty years after the product began to be sold, over a billion gallons of its syrup had been produced. How could what started out as a small company develop a product with a brand which, over a hundred years after its formation, was the most expensive brand in the world?

I’m not saying it was aliens, but suggesting it wasn’t leads one to concoct one explanation on top of another to keep a wholly terrestrial hypothesis for Coca-Cola’s development and popularity consistent with itself.
-Asshole א

It is by no coincidence that the Americans placed their trust in God on their coins and claimed America was “One Nation, under God” in their Pledge of Allegiance. The phrase “under God” was added to the Pledge in 1954, to distinguish American worship of God from the godlessness of the Soviet Union. 37 years later, the Soviet Union fell apart. Coincidence? I think not.

-Asshole 1

Was this God an extraterrestrial? The  Pledge of Allegiance implies so. Only 15 years after the phrase “under God” was added to the Pledge of Allegiance, the Ancient Americans reached the moon. Fast-paced music, picture of Neil Armstrong on moon here.

Are you seriously going to tell me that people who thought a megabyte of computing power was something extraordinary reached the moon on their own? I don’t think so.

-Asshole ا

Forty-two years after the Americans reached the moon, the Pentagon, the former headquarters of the U.S. Department of Peace Seriously, “Defense”?, was attacked, and the World Trade Center was destroyed. These were known as the 9/11 attacks. Could not these attacks, conventionally attributed to small-scale terrorists operating in the most isolated corners of Afghanistan, have been sent by extraterrestrials? One of the witnesses to the attack on the Pentagon described the cause of the damage, conventionally considered to be American Airlines Flight 77, as a “cruise missile with wings Do you seriously think History doesn’t dishonestly quote-mine now?. Could this cruise missile have been sent by the extra-terrestrial “God” the Americans so often spoke of?

Really, once you think of it, the conventional explanation of 9/11 just doesn’t add up. I just can’t comprehend how a bunch of sand niggers managed to successfully pull this off, especially in the face of the most powerful government on Earth. You had to have good planning to accomplish this. It makes sense extraterrestrials would do this to send a message the United States government. It doesn’t make sense the United States government would try to pull this off-too much political risk would be involved.

-Asshole ܐ

I really am quite confident that at least half of the proponents of the Ancient Astronaut hypothesis are racists.

What could have been the motives of the extraterrestrials behind the 9/11 attacks? Perhaps, the Americans had failed to keep some of their obligations to the God they so often spoke of, George Bush, the President of the United States during the 9/11 attacks, being chosen President by the Supreme Court on a technicality? Or, perhaps, could this God have removed his hand of protection from the United States due to the absence of a Soviet threat?

Though the Ancient Americans did not begin to build a new World Trade Center skyscraper until five years after the 9/11 attacks, conventional historians claim that the Americans had the power to move enormous monoliths. Half a kilometer East of the La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles, Mexico, lies a 500-ton granitic rock. Yes, this exaggeration has many parallels in the real life “Ancient Aliens” series. It is perched upon a channel dug into the rock, located just North of what archaeologists claim is an art museum. Conventional historians claim it was an art project.

What kind of art project requires moving a 500-ton rock over six hundred kilometers to the middle of a city? There is no evidence the Ancient Americans had the ability to move such monoliths. Ancient America was a democracy, not a monarchy, so any skeptical appeals to the inefficiencies of government don’t work here.
-Asshole 1

Indeed, the name given to this so-called “art project” by the locals is “the Levitated Mass“.

Perhaps, we should actually believe the locals who say this mass of granite was levitated!

-Asshole ا

The region the Levitated Mass is located in is called by the locals “Miracle Mile”. Perhaps it was over this mile that an alien spaceship brought this mass of granite to the place where it now rests. Perhaps, it was part of an electricity generation system to the North of a museum displaying the works of extraterrestrial life.

So, have we demonstrated that the Ancient Americans were influenced by advanced extraterrestrial life?

We all know the Ancient Americans were too stupid, too selfish, too uncivilized, and too stubborn to develop the power that was the United States of America on their own. I’m confident that, over the course of several years, the modern Americans will begin to realize this. But, there will remain skeptics. Only an actual visitation of advanced extraterrestrial life will convince them. But they will be convinced.
-Asshole 1

I really had a taste of what bullshitting feels like writing this piece.

I Find A Person Who Believes Some Very Weird Things

While I was working on “The Location of Dilmun, Part 2”, I decided to poke my head into the YouTube comments section of Ancient Aliens Debunked (which is just as filled with conspiracy theories and science-denial as you expect) and found this person, who, not understanding the concept of “prior probability“, believes that the perfectly non-man-made Visocica Hill, which, judging by the below image, taken from this pdf file on a pro-Artificial Bosnian Pyramid Hypothesis website, looks barely anything like a pyramid. For some reason unknown to me, this person believes that the vast majority of relevant scholars are engaging in self-delusion when they point to the fact the pyramid is not shaped like a Great Pyramid of Giza, the tunnels inside it are of disputable origin, the sandstone ‘blocks’ exposed beneath its topsoil are natural, and that there is absolutely no evidence at Visocica of anything resembling the evidence that humans made the most outstanding features of the Giza Necropolis in the 4th Dynasty of Egypt. Hell, the person even tried to make me believe Visocica Hill is more correctly oriented towards True North than the Pyramids of Giza (a claim that can be easily falsified by using eyes and a computer mouse).

A bunch of people have the bile to claim this hill is an artificial pyramid!

To further demonstrate that this hill is not a pyramid, I will be generous and give this person an opportunity to experience software he really needs to download in this fashion:


The person mentioned above also tells me to read the writing of Paul LaViolette (some crank who has proposed Plato’s Atlantis is a literal description of subatomic particles and has claimed that the Hubble Redshift is a result of ‘tired light’) and Laird Scranton (a Velikovskyan). Don’t be afraid to click on any of the links to the cranks-I’m using nofollow. Naturally, LaViolette claims his hypothesis has not become established science due to scholarly inertia, ignoring the fact scholarly inertia can be overcome with a flood of published papers, as Israel Finkelstein has proven, or with a flood of informally published evidence and informal discussion, as GM Grena has shown (partially; hardly anyone has renounced the idea Socoh, MMST, Hebron, and Ziph on most lmlk handles are GNs and barely anyone besides Grena has proposed that lmlk-stamped jars have something to do with government donations worship payments [see comments] to Levites). Publishing a paper once or thrice and calling it a day has never worked at winning anyone many converts to a very significant new idea. I’m confident most physics PhDs could point out the flaws in LaViolette’s argument, but, as I am no physicist, or even student of physics, I cannot do so. I can, however, ridicule Scranton’s Velikovkyan catastrophism, which is all too easy to refute-it’s physically impossible. His claims regarding the Dogon have been debunked here and here.

Let us now move to ridicule one of the above-mentioned person’s WordPress posts.
Interesting. Over two thousand words and no links. One of the most important things I’ve learned regarding blogging over the past few years is that links are extremely important-testis unus testis nullus (a phrase I have often repeated to the person mentioned above, sometimes with typos). Repeating claims exclusively religious and saying “that is not true” is perhaps the best way to show to the general public all claims exclusively religious are untrue-thus, the solid program “Enemies of Reason”. I don’t see anything more authoritarian-sounding in the CSICOP name as compared to CSI-the latter is simply broader and makes it clear to the public that the former “CSICOP” investigates non-‘paranormal’ nonsense. Dawkins has made it clear he is not “certain” he is right about the non-existence of all gods.

Astrology remains elusive, part interpretive art, part science. That apparent contradiction is guaranteed to frustrate scientists, or worse – seriously piss them off.

-If it ain’t falsifiable, it’s probably false (take care to watch the whole program).

. What our educated elders overlook is that whenever we find authority being asserted by self-appointed Inquisitors General for Accepted Truths, it is usually an indication that the dark ages have already arrived.

-If one can’t show the evidence for something important in front of (metaphorically speaking) the scientific community, one probably doesn’t have much of a case. Besides, there are no such self-appointed Inquisitors General that have any real power. Also, the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry does “challenge mainstream views of the world”-it challenges the existence of gods, devils, and many other widely accepted religious claims.

They think nothing of committing academic fraud to preserve the established order and according to psychology professor Richard Kammann, are ‘guilty of the very pathological science they were set up to attack.’

-Where, pray tell, have they committed academic fraud, besides a few instances of plagiarism?

certainly ruthlessly efficient in their campaigns to excommunicate, silence and smear heretics

-Because they have the evidence on their side. Besides, it would be a sad, sad world if we skeptics had not been so efficient at excommunicating (from what?), silencing, and smearing ‘heretics’. Homeopathy would be a multi-million dollar business. Peter Popoff would be out and about claiming to be able to heal the physically sick using faith. A religion that claims a dead Jew some two thousand years ago rose from the dead and is currently residing in outer space (or is it in the clouds?) would be believed in by some 3/4 of the citizens of the richest nation in the world. Over a quarter of the citizens of the same nation would believe in ghosts, and nearly a quarter in astrology. What a sad, sad world it would be. What a sad, sad world it is.

Kepler said that looking for scientific proof of astrology was like a hen pecking around in ‘evil smelling dung’ until a ‘good little grain’ was found.

Kepler was right on the money with this analogy. In this part of town, it’s called cherry-picking, or “questionable subgroup analysis“. I’m still not eating anything out of that dung. The Mars Effect was the product of such analysis, and it is a likely false positive (though compare Kamman 1982). If the person mentioned above cannot show evidence for CSICOP’s fraud (except for a few instances that have no bearing on the truth of its claims), let him not claim it. In short, as there is neither a convincing mechanism for any kind astrology to work, and the evidence for it is, as the person mentioned above admits, cherry-picked, it is safe to say that astrology is ridiculous.

Astrology, like music, is the product of space, resonance, frequency and vibration. The solar system is a vibrating, unified whole. It does not influence us – it is us. Astrology is the interpretation of its meaning and every human birth resonates with the harmony and meaning of the celestial moment.

-[citation needed]. Is that turd of a statement even falsifiable? Also, what is this recourse of cranks to ‘vibration’ (a not-so-subtle means to refer to masturbation?) when they cannot provide actual physical data for their beliefs? Yes, we’re all part of the universe. That should be clear. No, you cannot go about claiming the position of Mars influences the birth of anyone.

Wherever there is water, rock and sunlight, there is potential for telluric ground current which can cause a neurological response in the dowser.

[citation needed] A really, really, really big [citation needed]. What can be claimed without evidence can be dismissed without evidence.

It is a phenomenon to do with the natural environment, with landscape, geology, underground aquifers – not plastic bottles of water in boxes set up in a tent. Evidence that human beings are sensitive to these natural effects is found in the location of ancient sites all over the world, which are invariably constructed upon geophysical discontinuities. This was clearly laid out by scientist John Burke in his recent book, ‘Seed of Knowledge, Stone of Plenty’.

-“Eventually, arguing that these things work means arguing that modern capitalism isn’t that ruthlessly profit-focused“. That’s a pretty big problem the cranks have to solve before their crank status can be removed.

However, that only applies to the claimants. In contrast, the debunkers’ standard seems to be that claims held to be ridiculous require only ridiculous standards of disproof.

-Yup. Higher standards of disproof could also be used, but do not necessarily have to be. Also, placing an event in a tent hardly indicates bad scientific practice-where, exactly, should the experiment have been held? Also, why call the good people at CSI “pseudoskeptics”? They are real skeptics, and are perfectly willing to change their views if their requirements for evidence are satisfied. The results of French’s dowsing experiment are clearly visible; they are not ‘fraudulent’ unless one has a special definition of that term. In short, ad hominem attacks on the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry do not make CSI any less reliable than the groups CSI opposes. Scientists are not “superstitious of the mystical”-they admit its low prior probability and are perfectly willing to test it (provided the test is done at little expense). Thus, the million-dollar challenge.

In short, the above person is a crank who believes in weird things without evidence. He, by claiming the only thing that would disprove a man-made origin for the hill of Visocica would be the excavators only discovering earth below topsoil has shown himself as blind as any religious fundamentalist in this matter. It is amazing he has the intellectual dishonesty to portray the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry as having views any less evidence-based than his own. Visocica isn’t an artificial hill. Scranton and LaViolette are not authorities. Cranks deserve to be ‘persecuted’.

Update (Nov. 22, 2012): for claims of ancient concrete at Visocica, see here.

Even Raving Conspiracy Theorists Can Be Brilliant

Since yesterday, I am taking one hour out of each day to view this (so far) wonderful masterpiece of debunking the absolute bullshit that is “Ancient Aliens”. In this video, it becomes clear that, while whoever allowed “Ancient Aliens” to be produced was intending to evoke “Edison’s Conquest of Mars“, the actual history of the ruins discussed in “Ancient Aliens” tends to evoke Lane’s “The Discovery of Freedom” (esp. from page 24 onwards) and the other artifacts are either as fake as the Jehoash Inscription or as misinterpreted as the patina of Jebel Maqla (often incorrectly called Jebel al-Lawz).

Ironically, Chris White, the person that created the above video, is a Biblical inerrantist and believer in a Satanic global conspiracy. Thus, my position on the intolerance of Atheism+ is further strengthened.